I keep thinking to myself, "I didn't sign up for this." "This is not how it's supposed to be." But I still don't know what I have been expecting. This last month I have been hit hard with direction, love and support but was so hung up on "This is just what I have to live with and how it's going to be" that I was missing all the signs of help. How many life savers can God throw a drowning person before He just gives up and thinks, "Well, she obviously doesn't want the help and can fix it herself, I'm done trying."? The answer? The only answer is, as many as He needs to until you finally put on that dang life jacket and hop in the boat! I feel so silly for sitting there with a hundred life jackets around me, I'm drowning and still trying to flap my arms around to keep my head above water. I'm tired and exhausted.
Emmett and I were just talking to our Home Teachers today, two members of the church who come to visit us each month and share a spiritual message. A lot of the time home teachers will ask how you are, if there is anything they can do for us. Well, the obvious answer is that I'm good and no, we don't need anything but thanks for asking. Which of course is what I always said. But really I'm screaming inside saying I needed help but I didn't know with what and I'm not doing too well but I can't tell you why, because I don't know! Depression is a real thing. A huge percentage of people deal with it everyday. We got on this subject with our home teachers, it was the first time I openly discussed this 'problem' with anyone outside my husband and mother, in much depth. I finally felt free. I was expecting for it to just disappear, cat's out of the bag, we're all good here now! But unfortunately it doesn't work like that. I told them this: Struggling with depression is like walking around with a missing limb. Apart of me just didn't feel 'normal'. I was afraid people would look and think of me as a person with a handicap if anyone knew what I was trying to overcome. I had to be the ONLY one dealing with this. Truth is, I can't do it alone. In reality, having depression or missing a limb is NOT a handicap and if you talk to anyone living with one of these or the other would probably agree. I'm the only one who can make it a handicap, and I have been. It became an excuse. Well, obviously it's not a good day for me so I can't do the dishes. I can't make dinner. I can't move from the couch. I can't read my scriptures, say my prayers or actively participate in Family Home Evening. I just CAN'T feel the spirit anymore. I made a deal with my Heavenly Father when I was baptized into The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. I would keep the commandments, read my scriptures, pray everyday, love others, serve others, go to the temple often, love my family, TRUST IN HIM and in return He would lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way. And most of all, LOVE ME.
I felt short changed this last year. Where's the spirit and love I felt when I was baptized and the acceptance this last yr or so? Well, looking back now, who wasn't keeping their half of the bargain? ME. I have everything and everyone I need right in front of me and these people and things just keep knocking on my door like, "Hey! Let's count your blessings!"Life line after life line. I had been asked to speak in church (which gets me really nervous) and I shared stories straight from my journal about my conversion and the love Heavenly Father has for me. I cried. I felt His presence so much in my life right then but I guess that still wasn't enough of a wake up call to me. Tonight the sisters in my ward (church community) had a fireside, a spiritual thought from a couple speakers. Some sisters bravely shared their heartbreaking experiences they have had to overcome, and really, in a mind boggling sort of way, were blessed with. They shared how these trials brought them closer to the Lord, even if at first, and even for many years later, they felt abandoned by Him. The room was strong with the spirit and heavy hearts. But I know each and every person in that room left with a lifted spirit and a brighter hope. If I'm wrong, I can at least say that I sure came out a new person. Refreshed. I know it's ok, and actually a positive thing, to share our stories with others. Especially if it means you can help someone in some way or another and find others going through what you are too. Tonight, so many women connected with others they maybe had never even talked to before and because of that, love spread like wildfire and the ever so dim light of hope sparked a fire again. A few of my favorite words of hope expressed tonight were these and I hope they bring you as much comfort as they did me.
"This will NOT beat me! I will NOT be a victim!"
"How did you overcome it?"
"I was on my knees and in the scriptures...A LOT."
"The Lord has a plan for me. Shall I falter or shall I finish?"
"I shall finish."
"And it came....to PASS."
We may not all be going through something as tragic as losing a child, or battling cancer, but our trials are real. Some harder than others. But that does not mean that our Heavely Father can't feel our pain or loves us any less. It doesn't mean He is leaving us behind thinking we can't keep up so we might as well forfeit life. I'm humbly writing this now, but I know I'll have days, probably sooner than I'd like to admit, that I'll feel low and lonely again but I know I'm not. I know if I hold up my end of the bargain that my Heavenly Father will too. And even if I don't, He will continue to keep his foot in the door and and maybe give me a kick or two, throwing life lines left and right until I finally snatch one and accept the help. I'm grateful for the trials I have had in my life. A lot that will be lifelong battles, that make me dreary somedays, but because I know I have a loving husband, family and extended family, a spiritual family, that will never leave me alone. I know that whatever trials we are enduring, we need to keep enduring till the end. That there WILL be an end, and we are bigger than them. Come unto Christ and we can overcome anything, better and stronger than when we went into them. Serving others brings hope, spreads love and can present the most humbling of experiences. I know that no matter how many life lines we let drift off and crash in the waves of our trials that there will always be another thrown our way. It's up to us to prepare ourselves for those the best that we can. It's important to ask for help when needed. This does NOT make you a weaker person. It's also important for us to let God use us as His tools, His life lines, like these women did for me tonight. He loves us SO much, we are literally children of God and He wants to help us. He wants the best for us. He trusts us to make our own decisions. We already made the best one by deciding to come to Earth to live this life, knowing we were to be tried and tested. We must do everything we can to return to our Heavenly Father.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS.
Doctrine and Covenants 78:17-18:
"Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great the blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;
And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, BE OF GOOD CHEER, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours."
PS, I love you all. That's why you should read this talk.
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
